Pendiam

I have been called pendiam even more frequently now.. and this got me thinking.

Is it true? Is it real?

Me? The person that my mom said will talk even in her sleep.. is pendiam now?

I still feel that I am not, but when I looked back at myself.. I reluctantly need to say it is true now.

Not because I don't have anything to say, but my experience taught me otherwise. The lesser I talked, the lower its chances that any of it will backfire to me in the future.

That is why I love to talk to stranger, under pseudonyms if possible. People that don't really know me. I feel free to talk with them as I feel they have fresh perspective on me, not influenced by my crazy self.

That is why I talk even less to the person that have known me since forever. Since I know they will still see me for the next 20 years, I have to carefully select my words.. and, after much filtration.. most of the time I will only talk about weather with them. Boring stuffs that will not implicate me in the future.

Why am I this paranoid? I don't even know what am I afraid of. 

Maybe, the scar of old trauma is deeper than what is visible.

Selamat Hari Raya

This is going to be a short update.. hopefully.

I am squeezing some time to spend on my neglected blog in between meetings, paper works and more paper works.

I have been living in Johore since last December due to my work demand and mannnnn.. the story is worth blogging. But, due to a lot of safety concerns from my loved ones.. I have been refrained from dwelling on it too much on social media. So, yeah.. my life seems normal if you don't meet me on daily basis and only "saw" me from social media :P

This is the longest Ramadhan ever and I can't wait for it to be over. I am sorry.. but, this sacrifices I made is starting to take a toll on me and my son. 

Okay, career wise I am no longer doing procurement and logistic. Now, I am venturing intro contracts and commercial which are slightly boring and slow paced. No adrenaline rush anymore.. I know I can do better in procurement and logistics but the management wanted me to try doing something else to help fasten my career progression.. haih.. whateverlah.. good bosses, good colleagues and good projects, I believe this is just a small bump in my career. I accepted their advice with smile anyway as I think they have good intention.. and frankly, I am the only one qualified to do the job here in the project.

Alex is now 2 years old.. a cheeky, clingy and very active boy.. but, only when he is with me. At the babysitter's house he is the nicest, almost passive boy they ever met. He will sit quietly at one corner and play his things, spoke very minimal words only. I doubt "mama" is garang because the other 2 girls are very active and happy. The girls always try to play with him, but he rarely cooperate. Is he is just shy or moody/sad because I left him with "mama"? But, he ate a lot there.. with me, he refused to eat and only want to play..

I am ending this post with a deep sigh and prayers that I will be strong enough to endure this for I don't know how many more years to come...